In Too Deep
by Allison Lane
Summary: Songfic. Percy Weasley and Penelope Clearwater come to an understanding. [Plotless angst.]


In Too Deep  
_By Allison E. Lane_

  
  
  
_All that time I was searching  
Nowhere to run to  
It started me thinking  
Wondering what I could make of my life_   
  
  
Percy Weasley stood in front of the fireplace at the Burrow, his hand reaching for the jar of Floo Powder that sat on the mantle, and found himself hesitating.  
  
He'd been doing that entirely too often lately—hesitating. It bothered him because hesitation, a reluctance to act, was so unlike him. He'd always seen hesitation as an unallowable weakness. All his life, Percy had steeled himself to know exactly what he wanted and what he had to do to achieve it. Living in the shadow of his older brothers and having to make up for his younger brothers, what else could he have done? He had to be perfect; he had to succeed; he had to make something spectacular of himself. Otherwise, he would just be another Weasley.  
  
He'd thought he'd been doing so well. But now, everything had been thrown into chaos.   
  
  
_And who'd be waiting_   
  
  
Percy's longtime girlfriend, Penelope Clearwater, had asked him to meet her at the Leaky Cauldron in Diagon Alley. They needed to talk, her message had said. Somehow, Percy found himself apprehensive about the meeting, and that was why he hesitated to take the Floo Powder. He'd barely seen Penelope at all over the past year, it being her last at Hogwarts and his first with the Ministry. Even while he'd been at Hogwarts on Ministry business for the Triwizard Tournament, he'd hardly taken the time to visit with her. Percy supposed she would understand; after all, he was a Ministry official now, and he had important work to do.  
  
Except it no longer seemed important. His work, the time he'd invested in it, the sacrifices he'd made—all of it, it seemed, had been for nothing.  
  
With the end of the Triwizard Tournament, Percy's life was crumbling around him. Everything that had seemed right was now wrong. The past year felt little more than a joke.  
  
What could Penelope possibly want to talk with him about? Perhaps it was her career prospects—was she still planning to intern at St. Mungo's? Or did she now want to join the Ministry? With a jolt, Percy realized that he didn't even know what Penelope planned to do now that she had graduated. Had he really ignored her so much?  
  
It was the Ministry's fault, everything was the Ministry's fault, that was why everything had turned so wrong…   
  
  
_Asking all kinds of questions  
To myself  
But never finding the answers  
Crying at the top of my voice  
No one listening_   
  
  
The Ministry wanted to question him now, due to his status as Bartemius Crouch's personal assistant. Or rather, the _late_ Bartemius Crouch's _former_ personal assistant. To Percy, the revelations had been staggering. Mr. Crouch under the Imperius Curse for most of the year? Controlled by his own—supposedly _dead_—son?! And now the Ministry wanted to know if Percy himself had had a hand in the deception, if he had known and complied with Barty Crouch, Jr.'s schemes. It was preposterous! How could the Ministry think such a thing of him when he, Percival Weasley, had been such a loyal employee?  
  
But… loyal to whom?  
  
Percy didn't know anymore. He just didn't know.  
  
His entire future was in question now. He didn't even know if he would still have a job next week, or even tomorrow. He didn't know where to turn, what to say or do or think. He felt the only constant left in his life was Penelope.  
  
He sighed and straightened his shoulders. What was he nervous about? Penelope probably just wanted to see him. It had been a long time, after all. But she understood; she always did.  
  
Percy took a pinch of Floo Powder, threw it into the flames of the fireplace, and said, "Diagon Alley."   
  
  
_All this time  
I still remember everything you said  
There's so much you promised  
How could I ever forget_   
  
  
Penelope Clearwater sat at a small table near the main bar of the Leaky Cauldron, looking down at her folded hands in the gloom, waiting for Percy Weasley with a kind of sad, wistful dread in her heart.  
  
She was both looking forward and not looking forward to the coming meeting. She wanted to see Percy; it had been ages since she'd really seen him, been with him, talked with him. The past year had been very difficult for her. Hogwarts seemed so empty, so lifeless without Percy there, and even while he had been there for the Triwizard Tournament, he'd hardly spoken to her at all. He seemed so… distant. More stiff, uptight than usual, and exceedingly more arrogant. And all that she had observed from a distance. He'd been so utterly absorbed in his all-important role as a Ministry official that he'd barely noticed her.   
  
  
_Listen  
You know I love you  
But I just can't take this_   
  
  
Would Percy even be hurt, Penelope wondered, by what she had to say to him? Did he even care anymore? It pained her too much to think about it; she still loved him just as much as she had her fifth year, back when they first became truly close. The year she had been Petrified by the basilisk. Percy had been her rock then, an incredible source of strength and support.  
  
She would need to be her own rock now. She had to let him go. It would be better to do it now, instead of continuing on when he didn't care, instead of letting him be the one to break things off. It would be inevitable, but it would still hurt just as much.   
  
  
_You know I love you  
But I'm playing for keeps_   
  
  
Percy strode purposely down Diagon Alley, heading for the wizard entrance to the Leaky Cauldron. The journey via Floo seemed to have jumbled his brain, leaving him confused and unsure yet again. What was left in his life that was still important? His Ministry career was in a shambles. To say his siblings disliked him would be an understatement in the extreme. He probably wasn't even trusted anymore. And what of Penelope? She had always stood by him, even when others had laughed and made fun of him. She had always supported and encouraged him. She had put up with him through thick and thin. Surely she still would…  
  
What did he want? What still mattered? Had his entire life been a sham? His priorities had been mixed up, his loyalties skewed; he had been blinded by ambition and was now left with nothing… If not for Penelope, Percy suddenly felt his life would be completely meaningless…   
  
  
_Although I need you  
I'm not gonna make this_   
  
  
Penelope pushed back the sleeve of her robes to check her watch, a pretty little wizarding contraption that also displayed the date and the phases of the moon. Percy had given it to her for Christmas her fifth year. It was close to the appointed time for their meeting, but Penelope knew she wouldn't see Percy walk through the door until the minute hand clicked over to the exact minute she had specified in her letter. He had always been so stubbornly punctual; he never arrived late except under the direst of circumstances.  
  
It was those kinds of things, the little things, about Percy that made Penelope love him as much as she did… but in the end, it seemed, her love wouldn't be enough. She couldn't go on if Percy was living a lie in their relationship. If he no longer loved her… well, she could hardly bear to think of it. But this needed to be done.   
  
  
_You know I want to  
But I'm in too deep_   
  
  
He loved her. It had never struck Percy so fiercely just how much he loved Penelope. It almost stopped him in his tracks as he approached the Leaky Cauldron. He checked his watch; he was right on time, as always. He loved her… but suppose… suppose he had made a mistake over the past year in not paying as much attention to Penelope as he should have? Suppose she no longer loved him? Had he made too many errors in their relationship to ever have hope of repairing them?  
  
But those thoughts were ridiculous. What was he being so silly about? Of course Penelope loved him. He had to cling to that—he felt it was all he had left.  
  
Pulling himself up to his full height with a confidence he wasn't sure he entirely felt, Percy walked into the Leaky Cauldron.   
  
  
_So listen, listen to me  
You must believe me  
I can feel your eyes go through me  
But I don't know why_   
  
  
Penelope happened to glance up at the door at the exact second that Percy entered. He didn't notice her right away, so she took that moment to observe him. Tall, dignified in his bearing yet almost gangly in the slenderness of his limbs; thick, dark auburn hair that she had always loved to run her fingers through; honey-brown eyes that were startlingly beautiful when not framed by glasses…  
  
A heavy lump had formed in her throat; Penelope struggled to swallow it and compose herself before Percy found her and noticed her distress.  
  
Once inside, Percy quickly dusted off his robes with a motion of the hands that she found unbearably entrancing, then looked up and straight at her. Penelope could have sworn his eyes lit up at the sight of her… but no. It had to be a trick of the dim light. Percy's eyes hadn't shone at her in ages…  
  
He threaded his way through the tables that separated them and, upon reaching her, pulled out a chair for to sit in. "Penelope," he said by way of greeting. "To what do I owe the honor of your invitation?"  
  
Penelope stared back at him, the lump in her throat suddenly redoubling in size, and swallowed hard. Already, Percy was unconsciously making it even harder on her. "Percy, dear, we need to talk," she began faintly.  
  
"I gathered that; you stated as such in your letter." Percy smiled at her, and Penelope found herself hard-pressed to decipher the meaning behind his expression. Was it genuine, or was he simply on autopilot? "What is it that's so important it couldn't wait?"  
  
Penelope's mouth worked silently for a moment; she was rapidly losing her nerve. _No!_ her mind shouted. _You need to do this! You can't worry about hurt feelings at this point!_ Impulsively, she reached across the table to grasp one of Percy's hands in hers. "Percy," she started to say, stopping abruptly—the words were catching in her throat. "Percy," she said again, unable to meet his gaze and letting her eyes fall instead to their intertwined hands, "I… I don't think we should see each other anymore."   
  
  
_I know you're going  
But I can't believe  
It's the way that you're leaving_   
  
  
Percy's jaw dropped, and he blinked a few times in shock. Half his brain seemed to have frozen, while the other half was whirling madly. Penelope wanted to leave him? _No no no_, a little voice in the back of his mind was screaming, _you're losing her too, you're losing her like you're losing everything else…_ "B-but why?" he sputtered.  
  
Penelope was looking at him sadly; he could barely feel her hand covering his. "I realize that we've grown apart over the last year," she said quietly. "I knew it would be hard on us with me still in school, but—I do understand, Percy, I really do." She was looking at their hands again. "You have your job in the Ministry and it's very important to you. It takes up a great deal of your time. So—so I thought it would be better for you if… if you didn't feel fettered by me anymore."   
  
  
_It's like we never knew  
Each other at all  
It may be my fault  
I gave you too many reasons  
For being alone  
When I didn't want to_   
  
  
Percy was still gaping in shock. By Merlin, Penelope had it all wrong—and it was no one's fault but his own. He'd been so caught up in his ridiculous loyalty to Crouch and his job with the Ministry that she thought he no longer cared for her! He'd never meant to alienate her… he'd only wanted to get ahead and make something of himself… He'd wanted to make her proud of him, to see pride in her face when she spoke of her boyfriend's important job at the Ministry. Instead, he'd pushed her away, ignored her, and for what? His loyalty had gotten him nowhere. All his hard work and dedication had backfired on him in the worst way possible. Penelope wanted to leave him. Now he truly had nothing left.   
  
  
_I thought you'd always be there  
I almost believed you_ "Penny," he said thickly, and odd kind of desperation welling up inside him, "don't you love me anymore?"  
  
Penelope flinched. Her eyes flickered up to his face for a moment before falling again, and her hand compulsively tightened around his. "Yes, I still love you," she replied softly, her voice breaking for just an instant. "That's why I'm doing this."  
  
Percy began to stammer in protest, but Penelope squeezed his hand again to silence him. "You don't need me anymore, Percy," she said, sounding as if she were having to force the words from her lips. "These things happen. I understand… I don't want to be in your way. I just want you to be happy."  
  
"Penny…" It was almost a plea; Percy was becoming painfully aware of the sudden, uncharacteristic tears pricking at his eyes. "You don't understand…"   
  
  
_All this time  
I still remember everything you said…   
  
Listen  
You know I love you  
But I just can't take this_   
  
  
The expression on Percy's face was shredding Penelope's heart with the force of her guilt and doubt. Was he upset because he still loved her, or was he upset because he was losing a piece of his carefully constructed life? It was killing her to do this—she'd been so certain, and now that Percy was much more despondent than she had expected, she didn't know what to think… But it was all for the best, her mind kept telling her heart. She was doing what was right in the long run for Percy…  
  
"What do I not understand?" she asked unsteadily, the warring of her heart and mind rising above her sense of purpose. "I understand that I've hardly seen you this past year, that you've hardly written to me or made an effort to see me, that you've had your head stuck so far up Barty Crouch's—"  
  
"Penelope!" Percy gasped.  
  
"—that you've completely tossed aside your family… everyone who loves you…" Tears began to stream down Penelope's cheeks. "I can't take it anymore, Percy! If you don't love me anymore… I…"   
  
  
_You know I love you  
But I'm playing for keeps_   
  
  
Everything Penelope said was true. Every damning word she had said was true… but yet, she was incredibly wrong. She thought he didn't need her? He needed her more than ever! Percy loved Penelope so very much, and he was only now coming to realize just how horrendously close he had come to making the biggest mistake of his life. He couldn't lose the one true good thing in his life. He had to make it up to her somehow… He had to convince her he still loved her before she left him forever…   
  
  
_Although I need you  
I'm not gonna make this_   
  
  
He wasn't saying anything. Did he truly not care whether she left or not? Penelope sniffed fiercely, wiping a savage hand across her eyes. Her self-control was in tatters—she needed to finish this before she degenerated into an utter wreck.  
  
"I don't want this relationship to be a lie, Percy," she continued after a moment, her voice catching again. "I only want to have good memories of us—not bad ones. And if you… if you don't care for me anymore, then I'd rather let you go now than have us both play a charade." Penelope drew in a deep breath. "I love you, Percy. I want you to be happy. And if that means I have to let you go, then… then I'll do it." She pushed her chair back and stood, extracting her hand from beneath Percy's, his face blurred by the yet-unshed tears in her eyes. "Goodbye, Percy Weasley."   
  
  
_So listen, listen to me  
I can feel your eyes go through me_   
  
  
Percy's heart felt as if it had stopped. His brain couldn't keep up with the emotions flooding it. Penelope was halfway to the door before he realized what had just happened. In that instant his heart dropped painfully into his stomach, and he leapt to his feet without even being aware of what he was doing.  
  
"Penelope, wait!" he cried.   
  
  
_It seems I've spent too long  
Only thinking about myself  
Now I want to spend my life  
Just caring about somebody else…_   
  
  
She stopped, her back to him. Percy didn't even care that half the patrons of the Leaky Cauldron were staring at him; his legs, of their own volition, were propelling him towards Penelope. As he approached her, she still did not turn. He saw that her shoulders were very stiff, and her hands were clenched at her sides.  
  
"Penny," he whispered.  
  
Still no movement.  
  
"Penny, I've been an awful prat," he said, reaching out to place a trembling hand on her shoulder. She flinched, but did not jerk away as he had expected. "I've only just come to my senses over it, just how terribly I've behaved towards you this year. I'm sorry, Penny, I'm so sorry…" Percy struggled to draw in a breath; his throat was thick with emotion. "I don't expect you to forgive me easily… if at all. But I swear to you that I still love you… you're all I have left, Penny… please don't leave me…"  
  
Her shoulder shuddered under his hand as Penelope let out a long sigh. Percy could sense the hesitation in her. "Penny, please," he pleaded again, gently turning her to face him. His eyes meeting hers, he saw they were brimming and overflowing with tears. After a moment's hesitation, he lifted a hand to her cheek. "I do love you," he said quietly. "Can you believe me?"  
  
Penelope gazed at him for a moment which seemed to last an eternity, her eyes searching his face. Finally, just when Percy was certain she would turn her back on him again, a small, trembly smile appeared on her lips.  
  
Percy's heart leapt. "Do you believe me?" he repeated anxiously, fighting to keep the hope out of his voice.  
  
Visibly swallowing, more tears spilling across her cheeks as her smile widened, Penelope nodded silently.  
  
Throwing all pretense of dignity aside, Percy pulled her forward and kissed her full on the lips, his tears—no longer of despair, but of happiness—finally springing forth and mingling with hers. Then he wrapped his arms around her in a tight embrace. Neither of them were aware of their fellow patrons clapping. "I'm so sorry, Penny," Percy murmured into her hair—the thick, curly hair he had always loved. "I never meant to make you doubt me…"  
  
"I'm sorry that I did doubt you!" Penelope mumbled, her face buried in his chest, returning his embrace with equal fervor.  
  
"But I gave you every reason to… and I promise to never do such a thing ever again." Percy pulled back to smile at her nervously. "Whatever happens to me now, wherever I go, I want you with me, Penelope… will you come back to the Burrow with me? I have a year's worth of lost time to make up with you…"  
  
Penelope smiled back, her eyes twinkling with their old affectionate light. "That sounds dangerously like a marriage proposal, Mr. Weasley."  
  
Percy's smile widened. He was in such high spirits he felt awfully daring. Ordinarily such a comment would have provoked a scandalized argument from him, but not tonight—no, never again… "Think what you like, Miss Clearwater."  
  
Penelope actually _winked_ at him. "Lead and I shall follow, good sir."  
  
Percy offered her his arm; she took it, and they stepped out into the cheery bustle of Diagon Alley amidst the renewed clapping and knowing smiles of their fellow patrons.   
  



End file.
